We’ve all seen lists of the top 100 sexiest people alive, best bums, cleavages or whatever. They’re usually filled with your usual suspects: Brangelina, Jessica Alba, Beyonce, Clooney, Matt Damon, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell…

Ahem. Anyway, my point is that we’re all familiar with the most beautiful people in the world but what about moderately attractive people? When will they get a break?

After seeing all the hype surrounding The Road this week, I realised that Viggo Mortensen is NOT Aragorn. I know most of you already figured that out but I was comfortable with my delusion that he really was a sword swinging hero who looked damn hot covered in sweat, dirt and orc blood…

Having said that, I still would – but who else will join him on my list of Hollywood’s ugliest sexy people…

(This article is dedicated to one of my favourite indie movies, Kissing Jessica Stein, which inspired this genius way of describing someone.) Do It!

You’re probably sick of (500) Days of Summer pimpage by now but until you see it, you won’t know what you’re missing.

And I know you’re also sick of people using the word ‘quirky’ to describe movies. Well suck it up because another one is coming your way in the shape of Adventureland. It seems that if any movie is slightly funny and has a character that isn’t clad in Topshop’s finest then it gets called quirky.

The Urban Dictionary describes the word quirky as meaning ‘unconventional, surprising, odd.’ But in terms of films the word quirky takes on a life of its own. Do It!

Remember those old Ronseal adverts on the tellybox?

They proclaimed that it did exactly what it said on the tin and I think movies should be the same.

I’m not saying that I want movies to be called, ‘Moderately Funny Romcom’ or ‘Pretty Crap But Good Explosions’, though that would make deciding what to see on a Friday night much easier.

For example, I would expect a movie that has a title of ‘Big Booby Sex Aliens’ to at the very least have C cup action.

All I’m asking for is a title that tells us a little bit of what we’re in for and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you the other movies that can’t deliver on their names’ promises.

Here’s my top 10 titular tall tales. Do It!

What would the world be like if I had never existed? Would my life have changed if I had just caught that bus? What would have happened if I didn’t get herpes that time?

These are the questions people ask themselves on a regular basis, but in the world of movies it’s always these questions that lead to alternate realities. Though these questions may garner small cosmic reactions, there are some films with slightly bigger aspirations.

I’m not spoiling anything by telling you that Quentin Tarantino’s new movie, Inglourious Basterds, is a fairytale retelling of history and in terms of twisted realities, it’s one of my faves. Quentin’s Nazi-licious story has a band of Jewish American soldiers wreaking havoc on the German army in WWII and crazy, non-history ensues.

The world’s a little wonky or the history’s been altered; these are the movies give us a little glimpse into what life might have had in store for us. So let’s celebrate the twisted histories and wacky worlds that directors have made in movies. Do It!

If you’re a child of the 70s then your early/teenage years (what you can remember of them you damn hippy) will mean your memories might consist of Blake’s 7 and Mork and Mindy.

But if you’re like me, then most of your quality memories will be from the 80s.

It’s not the children of the 70s who are having their precious memories constantly abused, it’s ours. OK I feel your pain over the Charlie’s Angels movie and Starsky and Hutch was just plain wrong, but if you think those movies were tough, think again.

I’m tired of our childhoods being Hollywood’s fodder and turned into trash. And it’s not just movies of our memories; our toys, our cartoons and our lives are being molested by the Hollywood machine. The abuse started in the 80s and continues up to today where nothing is sacred anymore. Do It!

If you were around Earls Court this past weekend you might have spotted a unique sub species of human beings; the fanboy.

Well, actually what you would have seen were Star Trek characters, storm troopers, superheroes and maybe even a Sim or two. This is because Earls Court is home to the London Film and Comic Con and was besieged by tubby geeks wearing Spock ears, hoping to meet their sci-fi heroes.

Unlike my fellow nerds, I don’t have all the time in the world to geek out and watch all of the Lord Of The Rings movies back to back, nor can I sit at my computer playing World Of Warcraft all day. But not having a real social life frees up a lot of their time and allows for some unusual talents to appear.

If you’ve ever tried to watch a movie trailer on YouTube then you’ve probably seen a ‘fan-made trailer’. These are dotted annoyingly all over the site and can be hard to sift through to get to the real deal. Taking footage from various films and TV shows, a fanboy will sift through hours of film and then spend a week trying to edit it together.

And since most of them are superhero related, we’re starting off with a mock Green Lantern trailer, in honour of Ryan Reynolds being recently cast in the role. Do It!